When Your Parent Has BPD: Understanding Confabulation, Misremembered Childhood Stories, and Why It Hurts
If you grew up with a parent who has Borderline Personality Disorder, you may have had countless moments when their recollection of your childhood leaves you confused, unsettled, or even deeply hurt. Your parent might tell stories about your early years that feel unfamiliar or distorted, or they may describe you in ways that do not match who you remember being. You might hear a version of events that feels exaggerated, rewritten, or shaped by emotions that were never yours to carry. These experiences can be disorienting, especially when your parent sounds confident and sincere about memories that do not line up with your own. Many adult children begin to wonder whether their parent is lying or shifting the narrative on purpose, but the reality is far more complex.
Your parent may be experiencing something called confabulation. Confabulation happens when the brain unintentionally fills in memory gaps or reshapes details in an effort to make sense of emotional experiences that were confusing or overwhelming at the time. A parent with BPD is not trying to deceive you or gaslight you. They often truly believe what they are saying in the moment. Their memory is influenced by the emotional intensity they experienced long ago, not by factual accuracy. Understanding what confabulation is and why it occurs can help you feel less blamed, less invalidated, and more grounded as you navigate the complicated relationship between your lived experiences and your parent’s emotionally shaped memories.
What Confabulation Is and Why Your Parent Truly Believes Their Version of Events
Confabulation occurs when someone unintentionally fills in memory gaps or misremembers events without realizing it. This is not the same as lying. People who confabulate sincerely believe their recollection is accurate. For individuals with BPD, confabulation often shows up during emotionally intense moments or in situations that activate fears of abandonment, shame, or rejection. If your loved one has experienced trauma, dissociation, or chronic emotional invalidation, these factors can also influence how memory is formed and retrieved. The brain may prioritize the emotional meaning of an event over the factual sequence of what occurred, and this can lead to stories that feel true emotionally even when the details do not line up with what actually happened.
Confabulation Is Not Gaslighting: Understanding the Difference with a BPD Parent
Many adult children of parents with BPD worry that the distorted stories they hear are a form of gaslighting. This worry makes sense because both gaslighting and confabulation involve two people remembering the same event very differently. The emotional impact can feel similar as well. You may feel disoriented, doubted, or pressured to accept a version of your childhood that does not match your truth. These reactions are valid, but it is important to understand that confabulation and gaslighting come from very different psychological places.
Gaslighting is intentional. It involves someone consciously manipulating another person by denying their reality, altering facts, or planting doubt in order to gain control. The purpose of gaslighting is power.
Confabulation is not intentional. A parent who confabulates is not attempting to deceive you or undermine your confidence. They are sharing a memory that feels true to them because their emotions shaped how that memory was formed. Their mind filled in gaps, softened painful moments, heightened others, or rearranged pieces in a way that allowed them to make sense of overwhelming experiences at the time. They believe their version, even when it is inaccurate. Confabulation is driven by emotional survival, not manipulation.
Understanding this distinction can ease some of the self-blame or confusion you may carry. It can also help you decide how to respond. You might still feel hurt or frustrated when your parent’s version of the past does not resemble your own. Your feelings are valid and deserve space. At the same time, recognizing that the inaccuracy is not a deliberate attempt to control you can help you protect your sense of self without getting pulled into arguments about who is right. Confabulation is not permission for harmful behavior, but it can provide a clearer framework for understanding why your parent’s stories feel so different from your reality.
Why Confabulation Happens in BPD
People with BPD frequently experience emotionally charged memory, which means the emotional core of an experience becomes the most vivid part of what they recall. They may remember how something felt far more intensely than how it unfolded step by step. Because BPD also involves a fluctuating sense of self, memories involving relationships can feel unstable or easily influenced by present emotions. Trauma and dissociation may contribute to gaps or blurred details, and the brain naturally fills in missing pieces with what makes emotional sense at the time. Many individuals with BPD also carry a heightened fear of abandonment. When this fear is activated, even neutral or ambiguous interactions may be remembered as more threatening, painful, or rejecting than they were intended to be. These memory differences are not chosen and not created to manipulate. They are reflections of genuine emotional experiences that become woven into the memory itself.
When Your Parent’s Childhood Stories Do Not Match Your Memories
Parents with BPD often retell childhood stories with deep conviction, even when those stories do not reflect what their now adult child actually remembers living through. The parent may share these memories repeatedly over the years, believing them wholeheartedly and feeling hurt or confused when their child recalls things differently. For the adult child, hearing an untrue story about their own early years can feel disorienting and painful, especially when the story paints a picture that does not match their reality. They may struggle to speak up or correct the record because doing so often leads to emotional reactions from the parent who is certain their version is accurate. These mismatched memories are not signs of intentional rewriting. They reflect how the parent’s emotional experience shaped their understanding of events at the time, even when the factual details were very different.
Story Example: “You Were Always So Defiant as a Child.”
An adult child may hear their parent with BPD say, “You were impossible to manage. You were defiant from the moment you could talk. Nothing I did ever calmed you.” The parent shares this story with true conviction, repeating it to relatives or new acquaintances as proof of how challenging those early years were. To them, this account explains many of the struggles they remember facing. Their emotional memory is centered on how overwhelmed, frightened, or out of control they felt while parenting a child who seemed to push back at every turn.
The adult child remembers those years differently. They do recall acting out. They remember shouting, refusing instructions, hiding under the bed, or slamming doors in frustration. But now, as an adult, they understand why. They remember a home where emotions escalated without warning, where a small mistake or a moment of need could ignite a storm of anger or despair. The child’s defiance was not born from disrespect or a difficult temperament. It was a response to a parent whose emotional reactivity felt unpredictable and frightening. The child’s “acting out” was often a plea for safety, stability, or connection during moments when the parent was already overwhelmed by their own inner turmoil.
Over time, the parent’s version of events became the only version told. The story shifted from moments of distress on both sides to a single narrative in which the child was the source of chaos. Hearing this repeated throughout their life is painful for the adult child, because the story leaves out the context that shaped their behavior. When they try to explain that their defiance was a reaction to the parent’s volatility, the parent may feel blamed or become defensive, insisting that their memory is accurate. They are not trying to distort the truth. They are remembering the experience through the lens of their own emotional overwhelm, which made the child’s reactions feel bigger and more threatening than they actually were.
The adult child is left with the complicated task of holding both realities. They were not an easy child, but they were also not inherently difficult. Their behavior was shaped by an environment that felt unstable, confusing, and emotionally charged. And although their parent continues to retell a simplified version of the story, the adult child now sees the fuller picture of what they were responding to all along.
Story Example: “You Were Always Such an Easy Child.”
An adult child may hear their parent with BPD fondly say, “You were always so well behaved. You were the quiet one, the easy one, never any trouble at all.” The parent may repeat this story often, sharing it with relatives or new people in their life as an example of how peaceful and harmonious their early parenting years felt. They recall a child who rarely cried, rarely complained, and rarely expressed needs. Their memory presents this as something sweet and comforting.
For the adult child, hearing this story can feel unsettling. They know they were quiet, but they also know why. They remember learning very young that their parent’s emotions could shift quickly and powerfully, and they understood instinctively that staying small and silent kept the household calmer. They recall walking on eggshells, suppressing their own feelings, and monitoring their behavior so they would not trigger an outburst or emotional spiral from their parent. Their quietness was not a sign of ease. It was a survival strategy.
The parent’s memory is shaped by the emotional experience they had at the time. When the child minimized their own needs, the parent felt more stable, more in control, and less overwhelmed. The child’s silence made the parent feel like they were doing well, and that emotional truth became the foundation of the memory. As an adult, the child recognizes that their quietness was not evidence of a gentle temperament. It was evidence of self protection. And although the parent may genuinely believe their version of the story, the adult child is left with the complex realization that their early coping strategies were misinterpreted as harmony rather than distress.
Story Example: “You Should Know These Things by Now.”
A parent with BPD might frequently tell others that their young adult child struggles with basic life skills. They may say, “I do not know why they cannot cook or keep a tidy home. I tried to teach them, but they were never interested.” The parent speaks with genuine confusion, believing they offered guidance that the child simply ignored. In their memory, the child’s current struggles reflect a lack of motivation or responsibility rather than anything that happened in the home.
For the adult child, hearing this story can be painful. They remember a very different childhood, one defined by emotional unpredictability and long stretches of being left to manage on their own. They recall a parent who was often shut down, overwhelmed, or preoccupied with their own emotional crises. There were evenings when dinner never happened, rooms that were never cleaned, and routines that simply did not exist. The child was never taught how to wash clothes, prepare food, or manage basic household tasks because the parent was unavailable, disengaged, or physically absent.
Now, as a young adult, the child feels the weight of not having learned skills that many people take for granted. Instead of receiving understanding, they hear a narrative that blames them for what they were never given. The parent is not intentionally rewriting the past. Their memory is shaped by what they wished had been true, by the emotional fog that clouded difficult years, or by the belief that they tried hard even when their actions said otherwise. Yet the adult child is left to sort through the gap between the parent’s narrative and their own lived experience, carrying both the practical and emotional consequences of neglect that was never acknowledged.
Why Confabulation Feels So Personal for Adult Children of BPD Parents
When a parent repeatedly shares a memory that feels inaccurate or paints you in a negative light, it can strike at the very core of how you understand yourself. You may feel misunderstood, dismissed, or unfairly characterized, especially when the story reshapes your childhood into something unrecognizable. Many adult children also worry that relatives or family friends will adopt the parent’s version of events, which can create a painful sense of isolation. These reactions are completely normal. Confabulation is not happening because your parent sees you as the problem or is trying to cast you in a certain role. It is happening because their own emotional experiences shaped how they stored and recalled certain memories. Understanding this does not erase the hurt, but it can help you stay grounded and reduce the pull toward self blame or confusion about who you were as a child.
How to Respond While Protecting Your Boundaries with a BPD Parent
You do not need to accept your parent’s version of a memory in order to acknowledge the emotion behind it. A gentle response might sound like, “I hear that this time in our lives felt very difficult for you.” This approach honors your parent’s feelings without surrendering your own truth. When you are ready, you can offer your own recollection by saying something like, “My memory of that experience is different, and I can share it with you if you would like to hear it.” Shifting the focus away from who is right and who is wrong can create more emotional safety, though this is not always easy with a parent whose emotions escalate quickly. You are allowed to protect your boundaries by stating what topics feel manageable and what does not. You might say, “I want to have conversations that feel respectful to both of us.” Encouraging your parent to seek support can also be helpful, although many adult children find that this suggestion is best offered gently or in moments when the parent is open to reflection. These conversations tend to go more smoothly when both people have tools for communication and emotional regulation, even if those tools are at different stages of development.
When BPD and Autism Traits Overlap in a Parent
Some parents with BPD also have autistic traits, and this combination of autism and BPD can influence how they interpret and remember events from their child’s upbringing. Traits such as rigid thinking, literal interpretation, sensory overwhelm, and difficulty understanding social nuance can interact with the emotional intensity and fear based responses associated with BPD. When these experiences collide, the parent may cling strongly to a particular narrative because it helps them make sense of moments that were confusing or overwhelming at the time. As an adult child, you may hear a story that feels distorted or unfair, but your parent may be recalling what felt emotionally true for them during a moment when they lacked the capacity to process the situation accurately. Their memory is not an intentional alteration of the past. It is an emotional reconstruction shaped by overwhelm, fear, or misunderstanding.
How Psychological Testing Can Support Healing for Adult Children of BPD Parents
If you grew up with a parent who may have BPD, autism, ADHD, trauma related concerns, or some combination of these experiences, psychological testing can help bring clarity to patterns that have shaped your relationship. Evaluations can identify the factors that contribute to memory differences, emotional reactions, and the communication barriers you may have encountered throughout your life. At Zephyr Care, we offer comprehensive psychological evaluations for adults and teens that are neurodiversity affirming, collaborative, and focused on creating understanding rather than blame. We provide virtual evaluations across PSYPACT states, as well as in person testing in Nashville and Murfreesboro in Tennessee. Testing is not about diagnosing your parent from afar. It is about giving you insight, helping families understand patterns, and supporting you in developing language that helps you make sense of your experiences
A Final Word for Adult Children Navigating a Parent’s BPD
If you are reading this, it likely means you have spent years trying to understand a relationship that has felt confusing, painful, or unpredictable. Growing up with a parent who has BPD can shape the ways you understand yourself, your emotions, and your connections with others. Confabulation can feel incredibly personal, especially when it affects the stories that define your childhood, but it emerges from emotional suffering rather than intentional harm. Your parent is not trying to misrepresent your past. They are trying to make meaning out of a world that has always felt overwhelming for them.
You deserve clarity and support as you continue to understand yourself and your family. If you want to explore these patterns more deeply or seek psychological testing that can help you make sense of your experiences, our team at Zephyr Care is here to walk with you. If you would like to learn more about BPD, autism, or emotional memory differences, we welcome you to reach out to us.
Author: Heather Joppich, PhD
Dr. Joppich is a Licensed Psychologist and owner of Zephyr Care Mental Health. She specializes in neurodiversity-affirming assessments for autism, ADHD, and mental health concerns.
